(A Comedy. A Tragedy. A Shared Trauma.)
It’s that time of year again, Jamily…
The lights are twinkling, the cocoa is simmering, Mariah Carey has defrosted —
and USPS has opened the portals to the Annual Holiday Shipping Abyss™.
If you’ve ever shipped, ordered, tracked, prayed over, or tried to mentally manifest a package during December…
you already know the abyss.
You drop off a package.
You watch the worker scan it.
It’s in the system.
It’s moving!
You feel hopeful. Alive. Connected to the universe.
And then suddenly:
“Your package is in transit to the next facility.”
For 57 hours.
Sometimes 5 days.
Sometimes… eternity.
Where is the package?
We do not know.
Where is “the next facility”?
Also unknown.
Is your package on a truck?
On a plane?
On vacation?
Finding itself spiritually?
Hard to say.
Honestly, at this point it’s probably enjoying a peppermint mocha somewhere.
December USPS tracking is its own Greek mythology:
Packages disappear.
Packages reappear in a city they have NEVER been to.
Packages hit six states in 24 hours.
Packages say “Delivered” and the mailbox is empty.
Packages loop in one city like they’re stuck in a time warp.
Packages take a WEEK to travel 32 miles.
And then out of NOWHERE…
BOOM.
It arrives on your doorstep at 7:42 PM like it simply went out for milk.
It ALWAYS comes back from the abyss.
But not before giving everyone mild emotional damage.
Stages of Holiday Package Panic go like this:
1️⃣ Optimism
“It says ‘out for delivery!’ Yay!”
2️⃣ Confusion
“Why is it now in Pittsburgh? I live in Tennessee.”
3️⃣ Suspicion
“It hasn’t moved in 3 days… something is wrong.”
4️⃣ Anger
“I SWEAR if this package doesn’t show up I’m calling someone.”
5️⃣ Negotiation
“If it arrives today I’ll drink water and be a better person.”
6️⃣ Acceptance
“It is what it is.”
7️⃣ Spiritual Awakening
“You know what… maybe I don’t need earthly possessions anyway.”
But listen…
before you fire off a rage email or dramatically whisper “USPS WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME”—
remember:
These people are out here:
✨ carrying mountains of packages
✨ working crazy long shifts
✨ in the freezing cold
✨ dodging angry customers
✨ scanning until their thumbs fall off
✨ trying their best with the system they’ve been given
USPS workers aren’t targeting your package personally (we promise).
They’re not holding it hostage.
They’re not sitting on a throne of undelivered boxes cackling like villains.
They’re humans.
Tired, overloaded, holiday-surviving humans.
And honestly?
They deserve cookies. And a nap. Maybe even a raise.
If your package is somewhere between:
Florida and Neverland
Nashville and The Void
Memphis and “??? Unknown Facility ???”
…breathe.
The holidays are supposed to be merry, messy, warm, and chaotic.
Your package will find its way home.
Eventually the USPS Abyss spits everything back out…usually when you least expect it.
So sit back, unclench your jaw, take a Jam’n-approved chill moment, and remember:
👉 It’s not personal
👉 It’s not forever
👉 It’s the holidays
👉 And USPS workers are doing the best they can with a mountain of madness
Laugh a little.
Relax a little.
And if your tracking page looks like a conspiracy theory diagram…
welcome to the season.
We’re all in this together, fam.
Even USPS.
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